


Stay With Me

by filipaalexa



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fix-It, I AM IN DENIAL, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), fight me marvel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 18:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8255627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filipaalexa/pseuds/filipaalexa
Summary: “Because I’m not him!” Bucky’s voice cracks when he screams. “I’m not him and I will never be him again!”“What do you mean?” Steve asks confused.“You have this idea of James Barnes in your head and I’m not him and I can’t give you what you want!”





	

**Author's Note:**

> for my Borky,  
> who gives me endless support and allows me to torture her even though she loves it.

“Can I see him?”

The question startles everyone.

Wanda had been quiet since Steve had broken his team out of prison. Her silence was understandable and they all understood she needed time to wrap her head around everything that had happened. Steve still caught her touching her neck to make sure the collar was gone, he knew the others noticed too. It wasn’t like she didn’t speak at all, she engaged in conversations when needed or when the subject interested her, and she still gave them little smiles and nods in recognition of jokes, she just didn’t start conversations. She mostly spent time with Clint, he had been trying to get her to see her powers as a gift and an extension of who she was instead of a curse. T’Challa had offered the services of a therapist if she wanted, she refused to speak to a stranger.

“See who?” Clint asks setting down his fork.

She smiles softly at him before turning to Steve. “Your friend.”

Steve leans back against his chair in surprise. “Why?”

“I don’t know how cryo works, I don’t know if he’s dreaming or if he’s just…stuck in suspension. Either way, maybe I can soothe him.”

It takes Steve a while to register the words that came out of her mouth. It had crossed Steve’s mind before, the fact that Wanda could probably help Bucky in some way, but he had never thought of asking her because it had just been a fleeting thought and he would never ask her now based on what had happened to her. Wanda was still coming to grips with her powers and with the things she had done, she still questioned if her powers could actually do any proper good, and here she was now offering her _gift_ to help.

“Are you sure?”

She nods. “Yes.”

-

Steve knows he’ll never get used to seeing him like this.

The chamber is in a room of its own with monitors surrounding it and scientists working, Steve asks them to leave this time so he and Wanda can be alone. So they do and Steve has to try his hardest to ignore the looks of pity they throw in his direction as they make their way out of the room.

He sighs when he looks eyes with the glass of the chamber and sees Bucky’s peaceful expression. To anyone else he just looks like he’s asleep, Steve still wonders if this was the right choice. A long time ago Peggy had told him to allow Bucky the dignity of his choice but Steve can’t help but wish he fought harder for him. He always fought so hard for him before and when Bucky had told him this he had been at a loss for words. It was like the floor had been yanked from under him and all he could do was nod and let Bucky go through with it.

Was he being selfish? Was he no better than the people that wanted to control his friend if he had tried to take the choice from his hands?

“I can read him,” Wanda says pulling him out of his thoughts. “It’s like he’s asleep.”

“He’s dreaming?”

She shakes her head and takes two steps forward before stopping herself and looking over her shoulder directly at him. She’s asking for his permission, Steve realizes, so he nods and she turns to the front again. She stands in front of the chamber and raises her arm to press her hand against the glass. “He’s not dreaming, no. It’s more like…It’s like he’s trying to be alright. It’s hard to explain.” She turns back to Steve and shows him her free hand, red flickering from her fingers. “May I?”

“Will it help?”

“I can give him peace for a few hours, soothe him, but I don’t think it will help with the whole general process.” She looks down at her feet. “I’m sorry, Steve,” She says in a disappointed tone.

“Don’t be. Thank you for this, it means a lot, Wanda. Go ahead.”

A smile plays on her lips before she turns back to the chamber, the red flickering now in her other hand still pressed against the glass. It goes through and it disappears in seconds against Bucky’s temples. Wanda pulls away and comes back to stand next to him waiting a few seconds to lean her head on his shoulder and reaching out to take his hand.

-

He should’ve seen it coming.

He should’ve known that Bucky wouldn’t want to see him but yet part him hoped.

T’Challa’s scientists get him out of cryo to test a few things, hoping to get some results worth mentioning. Everyone holds their breath while it happens, sitting in a circle on the couches of the residence next to the lab T’Challa so kindly allowed for them to hide out in.

They come up empty of results and that’s when Steve asks to see him, the doctors exchange a look before answering and that’s when Steve knows Bucky would like to keep his distance.

At that Wanda stands from her seat in between Clint and Scott and says: “Let me see him.”

She disappears with the doctors and Steve is left to wring his fingers together in frustration and fear.

-

She doesn’t speak when they first lead her in to the room, instead she looks around.

The chamber is open and the man with whom she never really spoke is sitting on the gurney next to it, IV’s attached to his arm and a blanket draped over his shoulders. There are scientists and doctors around fussing over the monitors and fussing over him and he’s just sitting there, motionless.

Wanda approaches slowly and stands in front of him, when he looks up she smiles.

“Hi.”

He seems confused at why she’s there at first and when he does speak it comes out sounding like a question. “Hi?”

“Are you okay?” She asks in a soft tone.

The question seems to confuse him even more. She doesn’t know if it’s her presence that is still surprising him or the honest to God wanting to know how he feels.

“He’s responding well and-”

She interrupts the doctor. “With all due respect, I was asking him.”

“I’m…I’m alright. And you?”

“I’m okay. I…What should I call you? Do you prefer James or Bucky or Jim or…anything else?”

“Do not call me Jim.”

Her smile grows. “Fair enough.”

“Bucky is alright,” He says pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders. “Wanda, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you here?” His voice sounds calm and collected but she still notices the surprise hidden in his tone.

“I just thought that…maybe I could help you in a way they can’t,” Wanda answers. She shows him her hands, the red flickering in between her fingers again. “This…” She pauses to look at the red flickering. “It works in here too,” She says pointing to her head. She watches has his eyes widen and he pulls back suddenly. “Oh, no! I won’t do anything unless you ask me to, I wouldn’t dare to touch you like that without your permission. May I sit?”

Bucky nods moving to the side to give her room to sit on the gurney. Gracefully she jumps on to the gurney and sits, her arm brushing his, and the smile never leaves her features.

“Are you going to stay here?”

Wanda shrugs. “I really don’t have anything better to do. Maybe I could keep you company.”

She doesn’t have to read him to understand the confusion plaguing his mind, his eyes show it, and she feels pity for him. He flinches when she reaches out and only settles when her hand rests on top of his, a deep breath leaving his chest.

“I need to apologize to you. Earlier, when you were still in cryo, I came here and used my powers on you,” Wanda says looking at her lap, ashamed. “I asked Steve if it was okay and he said it was, he only wants what’s best for you so please don’t be mad at him. I meant only to help, so did he. I’m sorry, for both of us.”

It takes him a while to answer, like he’s trying to wrap his head around the fact that his head was tampered with again, maybe he’s wrapping it around the fact that Wanda honestly wants to help him. When he does answer he squeezes her hand. “Next time don’t do it without me saying you can. But thank you. And…Tell Steve I’m not mad at him.”

“Why don’t you want to see him?”

“Don’t push it,” Bucky says with a raised brow, a small smile on his lips.

She grins. “Sorry.”

They don’t speak for the rest of the time they have him out of cryo, they only sit and hold hands and take comfort in the company of each other. When the scientists kick Wanda out saying he needs to rest so they can put him back in cryo tomorrow, she leaves him with a tight hug and a kiss on his cheek that promises that she will return tomorrow before they put him back under.

Steve hasn’t moved from his place on the couch when she comes back, Scott and Sam haven’t either. Clint is now standing by the window looking on to the garden outside, seeming lost in his own head.

“How is he?” It’s Scott who asks, genuine concern in his tone.

“He’s not good or better but…He’s okay. He smiled and talked with me for a while,” She offers with a small smile of her own, eyes locked on Steve waiting for his reaction.

Steve looks up then but he doesn’t speak, he’s only waiting for her to keep going.

“Did you ask why he doesn’t want to see Steve?” Sam asks.

“I did. He didn’t say why though. I’m sorry, Steve. I apologized for using my powers on him while he was in cryo, I asked to not be mad at you because you said it was okay. He said he wasn’t.”

Steve smiles at her and stands, taking two long strides in her direction, then he hugs her briefly before saying: “Thank you.”

Wanda knows it doesn’t really bring Steve any sort of real comfort but she can tell Steve is grateful to have her to help in whichever way she can.

-

“You don’t have to go back under,” Wanda tells him the next morning.

He raises his eyes so he can look at her a small, sad smile adorning his lips and it breaks her heart.

“It’s what’s best.”

“For who?”

He doesn’t answer and the never faltering sad smile keeps on hurting her.

 She watches, helplessly, as Bucky steps back in the cryo chamber and the scientists put him back under and she thanks God for Steve not being here to see this again.

-

“Did it hurt?” She asks next time they have him out of cryo, many months later, sitting on the gurney next to him. “The arm,” She specifies when he raises an eyebrow in confusion.

“Oh. Did what hurt? Getting it on or getting it blown off?

Wanda shrugs. “Both I guess.”

He seems lost in his mind for a while, like he’s gathering the pieces he has left of his memory to give her a proper answer. “I don’t remember much from getting it on and the bits that I do remember don’t involve pain. I guess was sedated. As for getting it blown up, it didn’t hurt.”

Wanda feels some sort of relief in those words, she thinks he has had enough pain.

“Did it hurt you? Your powers? Steve told me you got experimented on.”

“Yeah. It hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” He says gently bumping their shoulders together.

“I’m sorry too.” She pauses for a second and closes her eyes, trying to push away the memories of screams that sound a lot like her big brother’s. “At least we have something in common, we both got messed with it. The only difference is that I asked for it.”

“That doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“It doesn’t make you a bad person either.”

It startles him to the point of him slightly moving away from her, she doesn’t let him go far and reaches out to wrap his hand in hers.

-

He had expected Wanda to be there when he woke up from cryo this time, he had gotten used to her presence and to her soft conversation. It amused him and brought him comfort that he was too scared to go ask for somewhere else. Instead he finds the archer, Clint, standing by the door with his arms crossed and face empty of any clear expression.

Clint waits patiently as he watches the doctors and scientists fuss over Bucky again, coming up empty once again and leaving him looking more dead than alive to go fuss over their monitors. He doesn’t doubt that they care about this person, at least the doctors do, but it disgusts him to watch the scientists treat him like a lab rat.

“How about we go for a walk?” He asks walking up to Bucky, hand already reaching out to help him stand from the gurney.

“He can’t-”

Clint shushes the scientist promptly. “I wasn’t asking. Come on,” He says wrapping both hands around Bucky’s arm to pull him up. “Jeez, buddy, what did Hydra feed you? What did you eat the two years you were missing? You’d think losing the arm would lighten you up.”

There’s gasps all around the room, everyone waiting for Bucky to grab Clint by the throat and fling him across the room.

What they get is a snort. “How long have you been wanting to say that one?”

Clint makes a gesture with his hand as they take the first two steps away from the gurney. “So long. You have no idea.”

It gets a soft chuckle out of Bucky as they make their way out of the room, dragging Bucky’s IV bag behind them and leaving the doctors and scientists flabbergasted.

Clint guides him up and down so many halls, in complete silence, he loses count after a while but when he realizes where they are all he sees is the green of a garden.

The archer sits them down on a bench under a tree and leans his head back so he can look at the grey sky. It’s going to rain soon, Bucky hopes it does while he’s still awake. He misses the rain.

“How’s the head?” Clint asks after a while, his eyes still locked on the sky above.

Bucky shrugs. “Still feels like it got stuck in a blender.”

Clint chuckles. “Don’t I know it? You were stuck on this for years, for me it was only a matter of days. I can only imagine what it felt like to you, but I understand.”

“You do?” He notices it sounds disgusted, like he’s in disbelief. He doesn’t like it, he fears Clint will feel rejected and leave.

“I do. This demigod thought it would be funny to mess with my head, to use me to achieve his goal and to hurt my own fellow agents. If anyone in here understands you to some extent, is me. So if you wanna talk about it, let me know.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

-

It does end up raining.

Steve sighs pressing his forehead against the window. He feels so mentally tired lately, he hasn’t been sleeping well and he knows his team notices it. He thanks whoever is listening that they don’t bring it up, at least not yet.

He sees it then, out in the garden.

They’re sitting on the bench letting themselves get wet from the rain.

It brings to distinct memories to his head.

The first was that day back in the war when Peggy had told him Bucky’s unit had been taken, Steve thought he had lost him then.

The second was that day even far long ago than the war when they were but teenagers trying to find cover from the storm and ended up under the balcony of some department store. Giggling and wet and his face in between Bucky’s hands and then…

He closes his eyes as he lets the feeling wash over him again, it was like he was back there again. He wondered if Bucky remembered, he wonders if he wants him to remember.

When his eyes open again Bucky and Clint are gone.

-

They advise him to stop cryo sleep this time. They keep putting him under and waking him up when they think they have found the solution and at some point that will put him at a much larger risk. He tells them that he would much rather stay under than to stay awake but in his head he hears an unknown voice calling him a coward.

So what if he was a coward? Was it so wrong to want to stay asleep when he knew he could hurt the people that were trying to help him if the wrong word was said? If that made him a coward then he was one.

But here he is now dragging himself through the halls of the residence where Steve and everyone else was staying, dreading having to face anyone now.

He only finds Scott though, sitting on the couch and oddly enough playing a videogame.

Scott doesn’t notice him at first, too focused on whatever he was playing, but then he throws the controller to his side in frustration and looks up.

“Hey, buddy!” He exclaims happily, big grin on his lips.

“Hi.”

“Come join me, don’t just stand there.”

Bucky takes a seat next to him then and stares at the TV. His eyes lock with green with a health meter and a map in the corner, with a spear pointing ahead.

“What are you playing?” He asks confused.

“I don’t even know. This kid who works for one of the scientists gave it to me. It’s called Far Cry Primal, you play as a caveman and have to gather resources and the kid tells me you can tame animals.” He pauses as he turns to look at Bucky. “This must sound really bizarre to you.”

Bucky chuckles. “It’s okay. I’ve heard weirder things.”

“I bet. How are you though? I wasn’t expecting to see you walking around.”

“I was advised to stay out of cryo for now, being put under and woken up so frequently might hurt me,” Bucky answers looking around. “Where is everyone?”

“Wanda is having a bad day so she preferred to lock herself in her room,” Scott answers sadly. “Sam and Steve went to speak to T’Challa and Clint is at the gym, I think he feels cornered.”

“Oh. Are you okay?”

Scott shrugs and moves to look at the TV for a few moments, then he sighs. “I miss my kid, man. That’s the hardest part to be honest. This is nothing since I’ve been in jail before.”

“What’s your kid’s name?”

“Cassie.” He pauses again to palm at his pockets like he’s looking for something, then he pushes a picture in to Bucky’s palm.

Bucky comes face to face with a little girl, all dressed up and proper, but grinning as wide as she can. It makes him smile too.

“She’s a cute kid.”

“Yeah, she’s amazing,” Scott says taking the picture back, then he picks up his controller. “What do you say we tame some animals?”

Bucky likes Scott he finds.

They hadn’t really spoken to each other before but Scott is so open and happy to talk about anything and everything. It makes Bucky feel a little normal.

-

Steve feels weird watching this unfold in front of his eyes, it does make him happy though.

Sam and Bucky are sitting at the kitchen table, face to face and in silence just reading the newspaper and exchanging sections with each other.

He sighs pushing off of the threshold of the entrance to the kitchen.

Bucky has been around the residence with them for a few weeks now and Steve has noticed that he is showing improvement.

He and Clint disappear off somewhere for hours on end and when they come back they both have some of their guard up but they seem lighter.

Scott is amazing to stop Bucky from getting too in to himself, they actually play videogames together. Well, Scott has the controller and Bucky just instructs him on what to do when he feels like Scott is doing something wrong. They talk about everything and nothing, Scott makes him laugh and for that Steve feels grateful.

Sam isn’t Bucky’s friend and Steve knows it, they do share comfortable silences where they just read books or the newspaper. Sam tells Steve that he might never be friends with Bucky but he does honestly really enjoy the silences they share.

Wanda really took a liking in to him, Steve can tell. They also disappear together for hours on end and talk. Steve doesn’t know what they talk about nor does he have the right to ask, he does get an idea of it when one day the residence just starts shaking. Wanda comes back alone with teary eyes and tear stains on her cheeks, collapsing in to Clint’s arms and sobbing. When Steve asks her what happened she can’t answer.

Bucky doesn’t leave his room for two days after that, Wanda is a mess and no one knows what to do.

When they do see him again he looks like he’s been to hell and back, but he seems somehow better. Wanda hugs him then, she doesn’t let go until he does.

Steve watches Bucky have his good days and his bad days, Steve watches Bucky not speak to him at all.

“Why do you think he won’t speak to you?” Wanda asks him one day biting her lip.

“I don’t know.”

She knows, Steve knows she does, he doesn’t push for it though.

It hurts him, he understands that Bucky needs his space but it hurts him.

-

He’s in the kitchen having a glass of water that night when he hears the scream.

He discards it at first, he’s living with people who are haunted in their own ways and they have nightmares, God knows Steve does too. It’s the sound of the desperate voice calling out his name that makes him drop the glass on the floor, shattering, and run out the kitchen down the hall to Bucky’s room.

By the time he gets there everyone is standing by the door to Bucky’s room. He pushes past them only to find Bucky kneeling on the floor with Wanda, his head in between her hands and his forehead leaning on her shoulder, and his body shaking.

“God, Steve,” Wanda says when she sees him, her eyes big and haunted and desperate because she doesn’t know what to do. “He won’t let me help him.”

He kneels then and reaches out to gently touch the back of Bucky’s head to get his attention.

Bucky looks up then, his eyes wide and wet with tears, his hair messed up and his cheeks sweaty and red.

“It’s okay, Wanda. Let go, go back to your room,” He says gently pulling her hands away from Bucky, moving himself closer to Bucky and replacing her hands with his own.

Wanda throws him one last pitiful look before pressing a kiss against Bucky’s cheek and standing up, closing the door behind her.

“Buck, Buck, come on. Look at me,” Steve asks gently trying to move Bucky’s face away from his neck so they can look each other in the eye.

Bucky shakes his head, refusing to move his face away from Steve’s neck, his hand fisted in to Steve’s shirt and he’s still shaking and Steve’s heart is breaking.

“Buck, God, please. Look at me, tell me what happened.”

“I was back there and I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t wake up, Steve.”

“God. Why won’t you let Wanda help you?”

He pulls away then, his eyes wider than they were before, and shakes his head furiously. “No. No more people in my head, not even her.”

Steve nods then running his fingers through Bucky’s hair, cooing softly and showing that he understands.

“Please…Please, don’t leave me now.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Bucky. I’m here, I’m here.”

-

“You have to talk to me!” Bucky flinches and Steve feels horrible about it but he’s so sick of it. “You have to tell me what is wrong with you. You ask me to not leave you but you keep pushing me away. I won’t let you get back inside that thing without talking to me!” He spits angrily gesturing towards the cryo chamber. “I see you talking to everyone but me and I’m hurt. And I feel like a selfish prick because I have no right to be angry at you!”

“Steve, I can’t. I…”

“Why? Tell me why. Make me understand!”

Bucky stands up from the gurney then angrily pushing away the tray of needles the scientists had been using on him away with such force that it crashes against the wall and it startles everyone else in the room to the point of making them leave.

“Because I’m not him!” Bucky’s voice cracks when he screams. “I’m not him and I will never be him again!”

“What do you mean?” Steve asks confused.

“You have this idea of James Barnes in your head and I’m not him and I can’t give you what you want!”

“Bucky-”

“I know that I’m supposed to be him and I’m supposed to feel all these things for you and I feel them, Steve, but I don’t know if it’s what’s left of him or if it’s really me!” He pauses to breathe, tears in his eyes. “I don’t know who I really am! Am I him or am I the soldier or am I something else completely?”

Steve feels a sob break through his chest as he hears this. Bucky was trying to protect him, Bucky always is trying to protect him.

“You’re Bucky,” Steve says softly taking a step forward. “You’re always gonna be Bucky.”

“Steve-” Bucky starts. Steve shushes him.

“You’re Bucky. You’re my Bucky. That hasn’t changed,” He says cradling Bucky’s cheeks. “You’re just broken and that’s okay.”

Bucky laughs then, tears streaming down his cheeks. “God, Sweetheart.”

“I can’t believe you remember that.” His voice sounds cracked with disbelief. “I missed that.”

“I missed you, Stevie,” Bucky says in a whisper.

Steve sighs pressing his lips against Bucky’s forehead, vowing to himself he won’t let Bucky push him away again.

“Just stay with me, Buck. Stay with me.”

 


End file.
